Thursday, October 22, 2009

Revision Brainstorm

What is my thesis?
- "McDonald's has, in some way, been considered to be one of America's greatest symbols of power worldwide; one of the greatest contradictions yet. We then question, what do those oversized golden arches really represent? By far does McDonald's represent how powerful America is considered to be."

If I hadn't written this, would I have convinced myself of this thesis? What would I be skeptical about?
- I think you can tell what my train of thought is but you cannot read it and understand it in an instance. It should be more clear, precise and to the point.

Does my evidence support my thesis?
- I think the examples I used in my essay support my thesis very well. I think I do have to work on explaining the quote a little more and show how it connects to my thesis for the reader's better understanding.

Where am I being vague?
- After inserting a quote, I do not explain what this quote means and how it connects to my thesis. When I do not explain my connections, the reader may assume a different connection which may trail away from my arguement.

Where is my reader confused?
- Some of my sentences make no sense at all. There are some phrases that I understand but do not flow in my writing.

What have I left out?
- I think I should include the court case that took place as an example. It would really explain the health situation in America.

How can I make what I'm saying more interesting?
- My writing needs to be more clear. I feel like I have a lot to say but I cannot word it properly. As a result, my writing does not make sense and becomes less interesting.

What parts of the text(s) are important that I haven't dealt with?
- I think I covered all grounds from Fast Food Nation that would relate to my essay. I think I should have discussed Life and Debt a little more though because I only discussed it in one paragraph.

2 comments:

  1. very detailed...i wish i had the patience to break my essays down like this

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  2. Great observations. Here's an example of things to look at for clarity:

    Take this sentence: "By far does McDonald's represent how powerful America is considered to be." Look at its structure and think about how to rework it.

    And Jalil - patience is a skill that takes practice! Part of the reason for doing this work in class.

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