Thursday, October 22, 2009

Revised Paragraph

Original:
An idea of conformity had spread around the globe. In Eric Schlosser’s Global Realization, Schlosser argues the different impacts of the international Golden Arches. McDonald’s was presented as a place to change your identity and flaws. Like an American who eats McDonald’s, you will somehow fill in the stereotypes which trail them. In other words, in just one bite you will be powerful, white and rich. The idea did not seem as psychotic concept when it was advertised by elite individuals in such a manner. Den Fujita, a Japanese billionaire who brought McDonald’s to Japan, promised his nation that ‘“we will become taller, our skin will become lighter and our hair will be blonde’” as one if they ate McDonald’s food. (231) This misconception had, in turn, promoted Japanese citizens to eat more of the American fast food. There was a spread of an influence amongst the many countries who were apart of the McDonald’s chain. Schlosser stated, “Teenagers dressed in Nikes, Levis, and Tommy Hilfiger T-shirts sat in groups and smoked cigarettes.” (234) McDonald’s had changed people for who they really were in order to ‘help’ communities to become more westernized. The unrealistic illusion had furthered the Golden Arch’s success as they went along with the lies and never denied them. If McDonald’s was to symbolize America, they were now labeling a nation as money hungry liars.

Revised:
America had spread cultural diffusion world wide with ease. In Eric Schlosser’s Global Realization, Schlosser discusses the different impacts of the international Golden Arches. Natives believed that if they were to be like an American who ate McDonald’s, they would somehow fill in the stereotypes which trail Americans. In other words, in just one bite you would be powerful, white and rich. This idea was advertised by elite individuals who were influential to their nation. Den Fujita, a Japanese billionaire who brought McDonald’s to Japan, promised his nation that ‘“we will become taller, our skin will become lighter and our hair will be blonde’” as one if they ate McDonald’s food. (231) This misconception had, in turn, promoted Japanese citizens to eat more American fast food. There was in no way that eating a particular type of food would change one’s wealth, hair color or complexion. As a result, the Japanese were taken advantage of by being so gullible.

Aside from Japan, Schlosser stated how individuals progressed in Germany. “Teenagers dressed in Nikes, Levis, and Tommy Hilfiger T-shirts sat in groups and smoked cigarettes.” (234) McDonald’s had changed people for who they really were in order to ‘help’ communities become more westernized. There were no individuals in cultural attire. How was this franchise helping a community if they were promoting adolescents to smoke? This is definitely not the family oriented place it is advertised to be when it is being described as a local hang out. Nobody would ask these customers to step out to smoke or to leave because that would result to losing business. If McDonald’s was to symbolize America, they were now labeling a nation as money hungry liars.

1 comment:

  1. Good work to strengthen this and good transition between your two paragraphs.

    In the second paragraph, we need more background for the quotation, as discussed in class.

    Also be careful about word choice. For example, 'cultural diffusion' isn't something you can spread. "Filling in stereotypes" is confusing. Also work on clarity by working on prepositions ('by,' 'as', 'in') etc. Use words that are familiar and clear to you - don't worry about using simple, direct language.

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